Large ambitions and a Social Anxiety Disorder.
Why I will become a CTO one day
I am completely aware that by writing this story, I expose myself in all my vulnerability. But I think that this vulnerability is the exact thing that makes me human. And I should never hide being human. I should never hide myself for simply being me. Because I’m me, at work and outside of work. This article is probably way too long and personal for anyone to read, but I need to write this. So here it goes.
When it all became too much
I think I’ve always been a bit shy. Introvert. Strongly focussed on how things work, highly analytical. I remember the construct of things, but I forget the implementations of it. I’m really no fun for a pubquiz, but present me any problem and I’ll figure it out with passion and tenacity.
Up until four years ago I’ve thought of myself as being stupid more than once. I forget really basic stuff, like birthdates (even of my children), my age, code I’ve written, projects I’ve worked on. I felt like I was defect. It still can bring me to tears that I don’t remember the things I deem so important. This is by the way also one of the reasons I make so many pictures. Once I have a ‘memory hook’, I’m often able to recall details.
Something was wrong with me, I just wasn’t able to pinpoint what it was. This made me quite depressed on several occasions. I’m constantly confronted with my own shortcomings. I felt my grip on life slipping out of my fingers. If I can’t remember those important things, how can I take myself serious when I talk about complex stuff?
That’s when I’ve first consulted a psychologist
After quite some consults something finally clicked. Once I knew which “labels” I was carrying, I understood the rationale behind all of this happening. I understood why I felt ‘broken’. All the things I’ve been struggling with for so long felt addressed. We came to the conclusion of giftedness combined with high sensitivity.
I kind of detest the term giftedness. And the dutch term even more-so (it contains the word ‘Highly’). It carries the connotation of being “more than average”. Like nature gave you a ‘gift’. Well, the gift I received made me feel stupid and I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. To me the term ‘gifted’ is just an explanation for what I experience. I feel that I have to say this, because you might misinterpret this for me saying that I’m special and ‘better’, which is absolutely not the case.
But the fact remains that I’m labelled gifted. And I share this because it explained so many of the things I’ve been struggling with for so long. Meta thinking, having a very intense internal dialogue, seeing how the machine works over what it does, having analogies for everything, extremely hungry for understanding, thinking about what I don’t know, measuring, struggling with absolute and relative definitions, being super detailed, extremely wide interests, a deep love for creating, quick with silly word jokes, hard to focus on simple things, not being able to look away from really complex things, a great great great sense of justice and a having a really hard time to let go when something is not just. I check all of the boxes.
But I also feel emotions of someone else very strongly. I hear all the sounds around me, think about what caused them and find it hard to focus on the things that should matter to me. Music (and all kinds of music) touches my soul profoundly. I swing from techno to classic to guitars to rap between each song. My senses can easily become overstimulated. I can become overwhelmed by things that might seem trivial to others.
Not as broken as I thought
I’ve been underperforming my entire youth, and now I feel that I need to compensate for my loss. I’ve done HAVO (which is higher education, but not pre-university). I had the ability to do VWO, but I never had focus, which is a prerequisite for VWO. I’ve never studied, not a day in my life at school. I passed HAVO in normal time, and proceeded to HBO (not university of research but university of professional education). Still never learnt a thing, passed all tests without working for it.
It surely feels that I could have done so much more. If I only knew back then, I could have done something to get focussed. On the other hand the opposite is true as well. Your college degree doesn’t say a thing about who you are and what you’ve achieved in life. It nonetheless feels like I drove a dent in the bumper of a brand new Matte black Tesla model X P100D. It’s a dreamcar that can still drive, but there’s always this dent to remind you of how you’ve messed up your first drive. Even if you fix it, the story lingers on.
You know, everything clicked.
Full anxiety, 6 months ago
I’m working in a relatively big company as a solution architect. That might not surprise you. Solution architects are called in whenever something new needs to be built and a team or business would like to have a consult on how to achieve most value out of their investment. I look at the structure of software in combination with the organisational structure and propose ideas and coach teams or team members in aim for the highest value.
6 months ago I was at the point of telling a group of influential people that I thought things should be approached fundamentally different. I proposed a radically different way of reasoning and aligning the business and the tech goals in our landscape. Furthermore, I was proposing a steering group — a Technology Board — in which we create traction to execute changes and set targets from a technical perspective.
At that moment I was already helping and steering a lot of projects to a Domain Driven Architecture, following Conway’s law. But it’s hard to become welcome in all the relevant meetings where impact can be made. It’s hard to steer if your opinion only matters when it’s asked. It’s not impossible, don’t get me wrong. But you have to show over and over that you know your stuff. That’s not wrong either, but exhausting to say the least.
A lot was riding on this
I felt that I was stuck, and I saw the solution. But what if they didn’t? On top of that, I was telling people at least 2 layers above my paygrade they should do things structurally different. Completely overhinking. Thinking I’m overthinking. Looping thoughts at the speed of sound in my mind. Way too self aware, and with way too much feeling of tying my person to my successes I carried on. I’ve prepaired this meeting as good as a human can possibly do, but I felt in over my head. In retrospect this all sounds silly, but that’s what it was.
Then it happened. My sight blurred. I wasn’t able to walk straight. I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I was hyperventilating. Nauseous. My intestines prepared to flee. I felt confined to my own head. My internal dialogue which is always super intense, wasn’t able to stop. It litterally felt like I was stuck in a one person lift, stuck inbetween two floors, with fire under me and a tape over my mouth. Unable to breathe, unable to move, wanting to run. Get away with every fibre in my body.
I understood what was happening. This was a panic attack. Fight, Flight or Freeze. I finished a machine learning course not too long ago, and I realised that the feedback loop is super crucial in these situations. My system was coming to a halt, and my choice for a solution determined which of the three was rewarded. If you Fight, and win, you learn that you are able to cope. When you flight, the problem goes away as well, but you condition yourself that evading the problem ‘solves’ it, leading up to you evading more and more situations.
That’s when I refused
At that very moment I knew I had to fight. I was terrified. What if someone sees my panic? And I’m not able to keep myself together? I refused my progress to be dominated by fear for something that I created in my mind. I got myself into that room.
The first thing I said to this fine group of people was:
I’m sorry people. I’m having a real panic attack right now, and I might behave differently than normal. But I think it has to do with the subject we are talking about and I really think we should proceed nonetheless.
One colleague saw how pale I actually was. Another colleague was considering cancelling the meeting, and another colleague didn’t notice any change in my communication and actually asked (after the meeting was done) if I was sincere and not making a joke.
The meeting went perfect. But after the meeting I was completely spent. All the life was out of me. I had no energy left and my muscles hurt everywhere.
The next day I made an appointment with the doctor. I could visit her within an hour. Completely in tears I told her what was happening to me and that I needed help because I couldn’t help myself at this stage. The same day I had my intake with the GGZ (centralised mental health institute in the Netherlands), and since I exactly knew what was wrong with me, I was referred to a psychologist again.
Again? What is wrong with me? Another defect?
I was so sure that this was something different. But in the first talk that I had with the psychologist, he told me that this actually happens a lot with people that think like I do, and that the odds are in my favour to be healed mentally as well.
What a relief! Not something that I make but part of how I’m built.
This is going to destroy my career
Was what I’ve thought. If I can’t be in this room, how can I stand in front of a crowd of 400 people and tell them what to do? My family suffered while I suffered. My anxiety had everything in its grip. I was unable to do things with my kids. Meet with friends. Go out in public. I felt humiliated and kept a hostage by my own brain. The only thing that I managed to keep going is my work. I managed to do things differently, still make impact. Even though this might sound counter intuitive, it was actually healing, since I learnt that I am resilient and people value my opinion despite of my own insecurities.
I’ve learnt that this was nothing new to begin with. I’ve always manoeuvred myself around situations. Like not calling people, because I wasn’t able to read their faces. Like not doing big presentations (I don’t believe in them to begin with, but another part is that I have a hard time reading a big room and telling them something they might not be interested in or someone else actually knows more about). Like not talking German because I’m afraid I’ll make mistakes. Silly stuff which I know I can. I’ve talked in front of 150 people successfully multiple times and I’m perfectly capable to order a fine german beer. Why not this time? What changed?
I learnt what I already knew. But this time I believed in it, so I became able to execute on it. I need to feed my feedback loop. I need to train my brain to dissociate meeting rooms and crowds with the physiological reaction to imminent death. And you can only do that by booking small successes day by day. Do something that’s just out of comfort. And learn that you didn’t die and rocked the situation. Deliberately make mistakes, and learn that you won’t die from them. Recalibrate yourself. Being faulty is human, and mistakes don’t put everything on the line.
It’s not that you don’t know these words, it’s that you have to experience them to give meaning to them.
So why is it my goal to become a CTO then?
I’m equipped with some analytical and communicative skills that I enjoy using very much. I think I’m at my best when I can make complex things really easy to understand, and the other way around. I see through structures, wether they are technical or organisational and often get the feedback that have the ability to come with actual, new and innovative solutions. I just love doing that! And I’m good at it!
And the only damn thing standing between me and where I want to be is myself. It’s not the hard skills, but my internal struggle, and I’m not willing to accept that. However, I am willing to take this journey. To feed this feedback loop. Until I’m there where I want to be. I’m already where I was before the big dip smacked me down. From here the only way is upwards.
I am openly telling my story, well knowing how this can backfire and be the CLM (Career Limiting Move) of the century. But I choose radical openness. This is who I am.
Thank you for reading.
I am Tim
A future CTO
Do you suffer from anxiety or other mental distress and need to talk about it? Mental problems are more common than you might think. 1 in 4 people encounter mental struggles at some phase in their lives. Please contact your doctor (General Practitioner). They are trained to listen to your problems and bring you when needed in contact with someone that can help you.
